Am I a Freak?

I mean in the traditional sense, not the fashionable one. I mean, why is it so hard to understand me? Why do I keep bumping up against expectations, defying them, even when I long to belong? 

I smile at a neighbor. They ask if I'm feeling better. NO, I say, irritated now. Why can't I be polite?

A friend suggests that I have as much good as possible, specifically to forgive a very recent deep wound. Oh? Well, even if I was on my way, now I burn with bitterness. Why can't I be like

Thich Nhat Hanh, who was kind even to enemies, or

Martin Luther King Jr., who was forcefully non violent, even when provoked, or

oh, choose any saint or hero. I am not That. Nor am I normative. 

Some people are afraid of me, of my emotions, and that causes me to hate myself. I was drawn to theatre, that fictional space where you get permission to live with full intensity. I was drawn to psychology, where I learned that even people who look normal have a remarkable inner life full of stuff I recognize as my own. 

I like foam. beer foam. oatmilk barista foam.

I like the drama of a changing stormy sky. 

Someone I see nearly every day bids me stay well when she leaves. But I'm not. You too, I seethe.

Am I really so much more bothered by ordinary misunderstandings than most people? or am I just too insistent on voicing my complaints? Last year I started a zen zoom group called Complaint Company, where the instruction is to lean into what bothers you. It's fun and tragic and moving, and pretty popular. But not everyone loves it and at least once someone says I'm gonna break the rules and be grateful, or some such thing. 

From Thich Nhat Hanh's famous poem: Please Call Me By My True Names

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
And I am the arms merchant,
selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

He advocates compassion and a loving heart, and he is the arms merchant.

This morning, after our daily meditation at the Zendo, our host commmented on anger, sorrow, something good I can't remember (see, see?), and frustration, and bid us meet All That with strength and wisdom. That I can strive to do.

Am I a freak? No, except in the fashionable sense.

January 26, 2022

Comments

[david]

I will hide, said the leopard. "and you will never find me"

The antelope laughed.

"I bet my life you will never find me" insisted the leopard.
He was a king and much too proud to play the fool.
He raised a paw to the sky and swore.
Then he ran off.
Deep in the forest, thinking himself clever, he climbed a tall tree,
And slept.

On waking, he looked down- and there stood the antelope gazing up at him!
"Come give me your life" the antelope said.
But the leopard remained aloof.

"Those who break promises pay consequences" the antelope called out, turning on hoof..

Years later, a beautiful young huntress came to the leopard's court.
"Old cat," she announced. "I follow the Hunters' Way.
I can help you find your youthful energy again, If only you will follow my instruction.
I myself am old beyond telling- but as you see I retain my strength."
Apparently. it was so. The leopard believed; and he agreed to terms.

"First you must foreswear all anger, aggression, and senseless killing.
The hunter's way lies in the harmony of all creatures' needs and strengths.
Understanding that harmony begins with understanding yourself;
and the ebb and flow of your desires.
To make this easier for you, we will remove your teeth," said the huntress.
Reluctantly the leopard submitted.

"Next you must learn patience.
Forego prowling through the jungle.
Stay at home and concentrate upon your inner essence.
To help you accomplish this, we must bind your feet."
The leopard so craved eternal life, that he allowed his feet to be bound.

But the Hunter's Way wasn't easy for the leopard.
Soon depleted of all hope, joy, and energy, he lay on his bed of grass.
Family and friends gathered around.
In the company of the warrior, the little antelope came to call as well.
"This is what you wanted to see, isn't it?" the huntress asked him.
Laughing, the antelope agreed.
"Now roles are reversed," said the warrior, freeing the leopard's feet.

"Those who don't forgive folly face consequence as well,"

This is why, people say, the leopard hunts the antelope.

-a Batwa tale