A Good Day!

You asked me, do I have any. Do I have any good days? What is a good day for me?

I've spent much of my life allowing, accepting, transforming 'badness,' railing against gratitude, for example, and relishing complaints and icky feelings. But all along I was secretly happy. I still am. a lot.

I used to rush from one thing to another. Now everything is in slow motion. I used to accomplish a great deal but it never felt like enough. Now, when my bed covers feel like sand bags and taking a shower requires a half hour to rest and recover, when making a matcha latté is an absurd pinnacle; now I sure do appreciate my accomplishments.

This week in my complaint group we talked about how we are seen. What if people we care about treat us with contempt? Do we hit back? Do we rise above? How do we digest and transform the humiliation? For us, as zen practitioners, the questions inevitably draw us closer to dropping our attachment to the illusion of a separate and dignified self. My dignity is gone gone gone. What's left is the one who sees, who feels, who experiences the weird and beautiful sounds of birds on a snowy day, who tastes that latté along with the flour-less chocolate cake my daughter brought me, who enjoys the buzz, the foam.

Experience itself is good. In that way, every day is a good day, as people (Yun Men for example) like to say*. If I don't compare to what was or what could have been or what you can do, then I'm good. But if you tell me I should feel good, I won't. It's a complementarity, a push and pull that is a feature of all systems.

So for me, my days are easier when I can be safe from that tug. I've always needed a lot of time alone to extract myself from interactions. Now I need so much help that some of that needs to be done in the company of others. What helps the most is being able to sit together quietly, to meditate, to be alone together. That is good. It doesn't have to be easy or even pleasant, but when we sit together and the whole vast universe is available, then...well, just try it.

Have a day!

*the link is to a wonderful essay on Ground Hog Day by my friend, Taylor, in Tricycle Magazine.

February 2, 2022