Self Hate Crime

"SELF LOATHING" by Treforlutions TreVizionz is licensed under CC BY 2.0How to understand the oldest of crimes in a fresh way during a news week when we must argue about whether the killing of six Asian women is in fact a hate crime. This is a legal designation that interests me only in what it could help us acknowledge. 

The dude who did it claims that he was not targeting Asians but rather eliminating temptation. Not new. Men have been blaming female 'temptresses' for centuries. Does that make it misogyny? What about men who kill gay men? Misogyny is part of homophobia, I've argued for years, but so many elements intersect here that I feel dizzy trying to make sense of it. I am not really trying to understand this particular man--we hardly know a thing at this point. I am trying to understand, I am always trying to understand, how to heal from self hatred. 

As a psychologist and a friend, I am intensely challenged by self-critical patter. Because I can barely tolerate it, I criticize the criticizer. Can't you see that what you hate in yourself you inevitably hate in others? So often I get the seemingly noble answer that they would never treat a friend that way. I don't believe it. Consciously, yes, but the loathing will leak into the relationship at some point and then they will be ever so surprised that someone took things the wrong way, or some such frame. 

To heal, to evolve, we are obligated to have a good look at what we abhore. This most recent killer seemed to despise and fear his sexuality, and given the cultural training administered to White men, he externalized. I doubt he is any safer from his urges now. That shit just does not work. 

What about me? I don't want to be seen as weak. Growing up disabled in a non-obvious way, I covered, I compared, and I conquered. Pretending to be strong I signed up for things that turned out to fell me, like when I stood up to the middle school bitch and she pummeled me for it. Pretending to be better, I shrunk from more disabled kids. Pretending to overcome, I mastered adaptation and saw myself as a hero. 

Well, all of that is out of my playground now. hah! I was looking for the word they use nowadays and I think it is wheelhouse. Never mind. I don't care anymore. The point is that those tools are unavailable and all I've got is love. 

One of my favorite podcasts now is Hidden Brain, where Shankar Vedantam interviews social psychologists and activists to untangle the crazy errors of our minds. One recent episode, called Radically Normal, looked at how bias against LGBTQ humans has diminished so much more quickly than bias against Blacks or women or the disabled or the aged. As it happens I was midway through it when I got into a conversation and speculated about the reasons before I heard the answer. My impression was that those categories that remain stubbornly mired in bias represent some quality of weakness, as in, it's easier to celebrate Out and Proud than to respect what we try to overcome. It turned out, according to the very savvy activist being interviewed, to be about love. His strategy in pushing gay marriage as an agenda was to show that we are just like you; we share the same values, want the same things, want to be able to love each other. And that message, along with the proximity of gay people within every family, turned the tide. 

We are actually like you. You will likely become old, lose strength, and eventually putter out. Old age, sickness and death. Where have I heard that before?  

And that's a wrap. Give yourself a hug. 

March 19, 2021