Does Not Apply, or Fall in Love

Spotting a bauble the toddler bursts into action. The detective chasing a bandit bounds up the stairs. A woman late for the train sprints through the closing doors. I see it or I read it and I think, does not apply, but not before I feel myself doing it.

I never realized before how much I imagine motion. Not that I could ever run and jump normally but I still felt the potential of the actions in my body. Now, though, the dis-synchrony has grown sharper and become a koan. Normal life does not apply. Normal expectations have vanished. I can't pretend I will grow stronger, can't motivate myself with a plan of action, can't wait until the illness recedes. There is little in my future that I can reasonably look forward to. Even worse, I don't feel a part of this world. Sometimes I feel a creeping bitter jealousy about the simplest actions, even as I thank, thank, thank all those willing to do for me what I cannot do. 

How do I live then?

I'm working on falling in love, not with someone outside myself but with this body as it is. I start with my feet because I can see them from here, because I have to move my whole body to reach them, because they feel too far away when I walk, because I've always liked my arches and my very very wide toes, and because even though they have disappointed me I can still count on them to connect me to the ground. 

I start with my guts because even though they disappoint me I can count on them to tell me what I feel. I start with my heart because it tells me what is true. I start with my mind because it is still going strong. 

From there I meet the neck, the floppy spine, the constant failure. Hello. The right hand that even now has reached its limit. Hello. The tongue the vocal cords the poor laboring diaphragm. Hello. 

Pleased to meet you. May I offer you a drink, a sip from life as it is? Don't mind if I do. 

July 2, 2021