Blurry Integrative Eyes

enjoying my little visitor even though I'm "wheelchair bound"Saturday. I had SUCH a great day! For whatever reason I got more than eight hrs of restful sleep and I felt strong. My vocal cords succeeded in touching each other and producing intelligable speech. Though cold it was sunny and everyone was out. On the other hand, everyone was out. It was exhausting to talk to the well-wishers and the don't-know-what-to-sayers. Strolling among able-bodied people makes it very clear how ill I am.

Maybe it's better to be less clear.

So says Philip Tetlock (interviewed here by Julia Galef), a psychologist who studies what makes people accurately predict the future. Did you know that amateurs outperform experts by a huge margin? not all amateurs but those who use qualifiers like however, although, or maybe, or sometimes, those who don't stick to a point of view but consider influencing variables, those who ask questions, who see context. "Blurry integrative vision," he called it. In fact, there is a reverse correlation between fame and prediction accuracy. That charismatic leader that gets you going? He's probaby wrong. 

My favorite less famous book by the famous Zen teacher Suzuki Roshi is called "Not Always So."

Said Joshu the ancient Zen master: “The Ultimate Path is without difficulty; just avoid picking and choosing. As soon as there are words spoken, ‘this is picking and choosing,’ ‘this is clarity.’ This old monk doesn’t abide within clarity" and then he goes on and on until the only thing that is clear is I don't know.

How do I abide in don't know when everything in me and around me screams for naming, for comparing, for fighting for what we believe in? The Supreme Court of the United States, populated now by rabid believers in the primacy of a fetus over a woman, is poised to dictate and enforce their morality. I try to soften into the position, to remember the awe of being pregnant at nine weeks, fifteen weeks. Yes, I can feel into it, the holiness of life inside me, and I can even feel how fear and conviction and loyalty to my group might compel me to crusade.

However!

If that little life cannot survive outside the belly of a particular woman, then someone has to choose whose life is more important. Should it be the woman herself or should it be the patriarchy? 

Something I've often observed about how people misunderstand disability is that they don't realize that things don't correlate with things in the usual way. A kid who has a language delay might excel in other ways. A president might be competent with complex negotiations although he stutters and forgets words. I might not be able to walk or talk but I have figured out how to move my wheelchair with my feet. 

The other day a woman saw me approach the gate to my building, and asked a specific question. "Can I open that for you?" With relief I said "Yes, thank you." "Is there anything else you need?" Wow. "No, I've got it from here." Let me exercise my strength, even though my spine can't hold me up. Don't ask me to chat but do meet my eyes when I can look up. Please don't bless me. Please do bless me. Have patience when I snap at you because I can't snap at you.

It's a murky mess I live in. Someone I love critiqued my posts because I don't develop my opinions. True enough. I do have opinions, but my questions shred and vanquish the opinions and I'm left with

I don't know!

December 7, 2021